i can’t stan yiu.

I remember i did an entry about my passion for korean dramas and all that bucket load of nonsense. After my previous emo entry, i know now that it came from nothing more than a few heartaches.

To be honest, there used to be heartaches and tears for the first few years of the breakup,  but gradually the pain eased and all that is left now are tears. But i still couldn’t take it back then. Even if everyone else left me, why did you leave without a word too. But now i know.  你如何待人，人如何对你. It was just karma for me.

I’m sure no one knows about this, but the reason i gave up bowling and left Singapore was because of you. After you left, there was no one else there for me. No one waiting. No one for me to call. No one. Bowling used to be so much fun, it used to be my passion. It was my everything. And like me, the bowling ball eventually cracked someday and i took it as a sign from God.  I guess i left because i was so close to going crazy for you.

And after 4 years, so much has change that it’s getting scary. I think i don’t feel anymore. Like, 心死了. If that’s the case, i can only hope that you’ve been living well for the exchange of my misery.

가지마..

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Love can be..

just a word.

a prank at first.

you meeting your first love.

sharing a private blog with your S.O.

endless hours/digits on the phone bill.

endless beatings after your dad sees that phone bill.

you having your first kiss in some dodgy/undesirable place.

you and your S.O. making meaningless videos on a very cheap camera.

you trying to hug your S.O. from behind so he/she can’t leave from an argument.

waking up to a text message and realize that you’re in a breakup situation.

your heart feeling the shiver and stress from the breakup situation.

you still realizing that you’re in a REAL breakup situation.

you dealing with the after shock of your S.O.’s MIA.

you dealing with post break up anger.

you unable to deal with that anger.

you unable to accept the truth.

you crying.

you getting over it.

you meeting new people.

you receiving false hope from those people.

you not knowing what to do anymore and just go with the flow.

you realizing that this false love is nothing more than another filler episode.

you looking back at what you used to love and comparing it with your life now.

you running away to a foreign country in hope of forgetting your past.

you realizing it’s been 4 years and nothing has changed, for you.

I can go on but I don’t know what’s love anymore. Maybe love is meaningless, just like this post.

I had the most unusual dream last night. It was about me still blogging in my very first private blog that was meant for my ex. Suprisingly i got an email from Xanga this morning, it was one of those “We’ve missed ya!, We’ve really missed reading your blog. We’ve been taking care of all your weblogs, photos, and other posts for you….” Come-back-and-blog kinda reminder mail. Creepy? Coincidence? Reading the blog all over was intense. Mind you it’s been almost 5 years.

Well most of the entries, ok 90% of the entries was about how we quarrel and make up, quarrel again, shit happens, make up again, basically trying to get the relationship to work for my part.  And so i was wondering..

Why did we spend 90% of our time worrying about whether the relationship will work? Or worry about the 3rd party comments. This is about US afterall. I’m just glad i’ve enjoyed that remainder 10% of our time.

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Hi guys,

meet Chloe.

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